Are you looking at me?
Look at me.
Look at me when I talk to you!
Seriously, Don, something’s going to have to change around here, and I’m not fucking around.
I simply can’t take it anymore! I just can’t.
I’m dead serious.
(Breaks down crying, heavy sobs, big tears.) Don’t give me that look.
Just wipe that smug look off your fucking face. I hate that look!
(Crying instantaneously replaced with shrill shouting.) You don’t think I’m serious? You want to try me on this? Try me. Go ahead, Don. Try me.
I want to know what you are planning to do about this? I mean EXACTLY WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO????”
Perhaps you are amused because I sound like the stereotype of a mad housewife? Perhaps you’re amused because I sound like your wife? Perhaps you’re amused because I sound like you? Perhaps you are not amused but annoyed and wondering where the fuck I’m going with this bullshit? Okay, I’ll move on.
This is what I might sound like if I were a still “hiding out as a housewife,” talking to myself because the website needs to change. Actually, I never sounded like this, at least not that I’d ever admit to, but it’s fun to pretend. Yes, we’ll call it “pretending.” Anyway, let me repeat the key part of those three sentences in case you somehow missed the pertinent information: I AM NOT HIDING OUT AS A HOUSEWIFE ANYMORE!! (Hallelujah Chorus plays here.) My kids are either at school or camp all day, and my husband is making dinner. I have a cleaning lady who comes once every two weeks. The cleaners do Jim’s shirts. I still fold laundry with extraordinary speed– some things will never change, but I simply can’t call myself a housewife. It would be a gross mischaracterization. And in terms of hiding, I found my authentic self. I’m a writer. I’m a writer who enjoys decorating, refinishing old furniture, and virtually any creative project I can dream up as a sideline. So authentically speaking that will be my career. As a person, I’m a thinker, philosophical by nature. I am very sensitive and very empathetic. I prefer to have a few very close friends whom I keep close and tight. I don’t trust social bullshit, as it is bullshit and it bores me. I’m a little sardonic and a little impatient. I am extremely loving and affectionate. I hate goodbyes.
Here’s the thing about goodbyes…they are just painful. When I used to drop my kids off at preschool there would be these women dragging the shit out. The kids would be sobbing, and the women wouldn’t be able to leave. I would walk in there, put down my kid at some activity table, give a kiss on the cheek, quickly turn and walk away. It was the only way. Seriously. Lingering is only torturing your kid. And if I could hear one of my kids start to cry, I’d skulk around the outside of the door for a few minutes and then peer in the door, and sure as shit they’d be fine playing with goo within five minutes.
So, I had this one friend who every time she came to visit, she insisted on these long-winded goodbyes at my door, and it seriously drove me crazy. It is painful for me when someone I love is leaving, and I just want to be done. Over. Fini. And rapidly. They need to leave promptly. I don’t want to drag out the pain. I don’t understand these lingering types. So, she’d stand framed in my doorway, and my husband and I would listen to her segue from one topic to another, dragging out the goodbye until I wanted to slam the fucking door in her face. I considered ending the friendship so that I wouldn’t be faced with ever saying goodbye to her again. Well, I guess there would be that one awkward final big goodbye to suffer through.
Anyway, I am so relieved to tell you that just because I am no longer a housewife does not mean goodbye for all of us. That was the point of my analogous stories about goodbyes. Was that unclear?
While that is the good news I have been leading up to with great momentum, I might add, there is going to be a bit of transitioning, as obviously we can’t leave things exactly as they are. So, the fun part is that things are going to get…
Hmmm…. Yes, I am procrastinating because it is the interesting part that has a bit of mystery involved. But hey, who doesn’t love a good mystery? I know I do. And I’m telling you right now I have people on this. Good people working on all of this as I write right now. Ideas are flying. My brain is cranking. The plans are to go huge. And I believe it can be done. I know you believe it too. It would be cool if you could say, “Hey I was reading this website when it was just “Hiding Out As A Housewife,” and now it is this huge, monumental, global movement. Everybody likes to be able to say, “They were there when…”
Don’t you remember when you were the only one with a cassette tape of R.E.M.? Then, two years later, you were so smug because they were massive? Anybody under forty-two is now completely lost. Those of you still in possession of your youth fear not. You too can relate. Everyone wants to be at the inception of something great. This can be you if you bear with me and keep reading.
Actually, I really do believe that there is nothing bigger than the potential of who you are authentically. I’m pretty excited to see where we are all going to go together. It will be possibly mind blowing, as I know the process of uncovering my own truth and authenticity definitely has been.
So, be prepared for some changes. This is the calm before the storm. Brace yourselves people.
Hold on tight! Be Brave! Be Authentic! Keep reading, and I’ll Keep You Posted!